What’s in a vote?

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Europeans love a good vote.

Political scandals and campaign rallies build to a high point, which is having to dedicate part of our Sunday afternoons to queue up in the local high school gym (that smells exactly like it did when you were a student there 20 years ago), make a mark on a piece of paper and hope for the best as we slide our ballots into a cardboard box.

Ah, democracy. A charming form of government, so full of variety and disorder.

This week, we’ll witness one of the strangest forms of democratic exercise: One that politicians encourage you not to partake in.

Italy heads to the polls on Sunday and Monday to vote on five referenda: four concerning labor rights, and one on citizenship. The questions are “abrogative,” meaning that in voting ‘yes’, citizens will be choosing to repeal the laws concerned.

The country’s political right is against the changes, so one might assume they campaigned in support of a ‘no’ vote on June 8-9. But that’s not what happened: Some public figures, like Senate President and man-who-loves-a-political-party-rebrand Ignazio La Russa, urged people not to vote at all.

The reason is simple: If less than 50 percent of eligible voters show up this weekend, the ‘no’ camp will automatically win. So if you’re against a referendum in Italy, your best bet is to avoid the gym — a choice your nose and inner teen will appreciate as well.

This is all highly democratic, clearly.

Meanwhile, in the Netherlands, another exercise in democracy is taking place: Dutch far-right leader Geert Wilders announced this week that his party would quit the government.

After people voted them into power in 2023, Wilders’ Party for Freedom (PVV) struggled to form a coalition, took ages to do a deal with other political parties, and have now given up on governing altogether. So much for respecting the will of Dutch citizens! Who presumably can’t wait to vote again.

As it turns out, if there’s anything Europeans can rely on it’s those stinky gyms where democracy is exercised. At least the smell of sweat is honest, even if the results leave much to be desired.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“My heart is literally crashed by the election result.”

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Last week we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.

“So long and thanks for all the fish.”
by Brendon Gore